Notes from the Midnight

"If you walk only on sunny days, you'll never get there", said someone wise. She must be from London. Not only because it's difficult to find sunny weather here, but because, for some reason, love is so unnecessarily difficult to find as well.

I am walking, believe me I am, but I feel so tired, lost and disenchanted.

I am trying to understand, to find the connections, the clues, the whys and the hows. I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to heal, or at least to accept.  I'm trying to keep calm and carry on. Carry on walking. Distracting, deluding, anaesthetising, and keeping hold of myself with the self-inflicted hope of greener pastures or at least just a change of scenery.

I'm not there yet.

Right now I'm in the midst of a horrible nightmare from which I cannot wake up. There is an agony that does not go away no matter what I do. Right now I feel a deep, vast hole in my my chest and my soul is leaking from its edges. Right now I feel like a ghost.

Sometimes I wonder why I still have this totally naive, misguided faith in love. All evidence shows beyond a doubt that it's fickle, ephemeral, conformist, and certainly does not conquer all. But I never wanted to accept that. I always said "yes but that is not real love". I always believed in love. In happy endings. In possibilities. In finding "the one". In not completing each other (because I believe it is very unlikely to be able to be one with another unless you can be one with yourself first) but complementing, enriching, empowering, elevating each other. I believed "happy love" was possible. I believed, because I saw it, touched it, held it in my arms and kissed it, made love with it, gone through good and bad times with it, dreamt with it, dealt with it, laughed and cried with it, completely trusted it, appreciated and adored it, thanked God for it...

Comforted and rejoiced all bleeding hearts around me with the knowledge that it really existed and that it was just as beautiful and strong and all conquering as they said it was.

I was wrong.

I see now that it is merely an adult version of a constant hide and seek, and comes with a book of rules.

No exceptions.

You have been warned.