In new pastures

I am in a new country now. I am back where I came from two years ago. I've lived here almost all my life. Yet I don't feel like I'm home. Not at all.

Being here feels very surreal. I was walking on the street today and I encountered an old friend from high school. She asked me when I was going back. I am not going back. But I don't like that fact. I'd like to believe that one day I will go back. Or that I will live in both places, somehow. I don't know. All I know is that it really annoys me when people ask me when I'm going back or if I'm back for good. I panic and despair.

I don't like being reminded that I am further away from him and this is permanent.

I used to feel like he was my home. Funnily enough, I still do. Being without him feels very homesick.

We were planning to move here together. It was his idea.

I feel very lonely without him.

I hate that I still love him so much. I must stop that nonsense right this minute!

I find it difficult to be happy. Many wonderful things are happening in my life right now, which must make me extremely happy and grateful under normal conditions, yet I hardly can care about or appreciate any of them like I know I should. I feel very guilty for being this way.

I found a big bump on my pelvis. It came up out of nowhere last Wednesday. It's the size of an egg, it's hard and it's painful. It's getting bigger and harder. It scares me. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow. I hope nothing's wrong. My dad is a doctor; he examined it yesterday, and he said although it's quite big, it doesn't look very harmful. Still, I will have a surgeon examine it tomorrow. I feel very relieved already that I probably don't have a deadly cancer or anything like that, and that is something I am truly grateful for. Nevertheless, I still don't feel happy.

I am going to start moving back to my old house on Tuesday. I need to open all the boxes, unpack, put everything in places, clean the house and make it home again. As daunting as it may be, it is a happy thing to do. I am so lucky to have a place to live. It's beautiful, and it's my own. Once I settle in, I will be able to start my life again. God knows I'm looking forward to it. And a friend is going to help me unpack. It is such a great relief and it will make my moving so much easier and quicker. I feel grateful for all these. But not happy.

My father will help buy me a car. It is a beautiful brand new car, latest model, very safe and cool. Yet I still can only feel grateful, and not happy, and I hate myself for being such a horrible person. I am literally ashamed for my unyielding unhappiness. It's as if I can not be happy with anything anymore. If you had met me earlier, a couple months ago even, you would know that this is not me at all. I used to be so happy people used say I have the biggest, brightest smile they have ever seen. I used to glow with happiness.. and love. There is none of that left in me anymore and I can't seem to get it back. I feel like a ghost. I have no energy left. Nothing really matters anymore. I feel very empty. It feels like there is a gigantic crack inside of me, and no matter how much I try to fill it with happiness and energy and positive things, they pour out faster than I can put them in. I need to mend that crack. I need to stop missing him and feeling so lonely. I need to see and appreciate all the wonderful things and wonderful people in my life and be very happy.

I am reading articles on how to think positive thoughts. How to be happy. They all say that you need to replace the negative thoughts that pop up in your mind with positive ones. Wanting to shift my mind's focus from negative to positive, I tried to write down a few positive thoughts on a piece of paper and keep them at hand, but I couldn't come up with anything that I could find believable. It was a depressing attempt. So I decided to search the internet and find other people's positive thoughts. I will borrow theirs until I can come up with my own again. One that seems to help me most these days is this: Sometimes, we are not meant to understand why something has happened, or know how we will survive it, but just to have faith in ourself and trust life. We must remember that the darkest hour is just before the dawn. I may not know exactly how yet, but I will survive. I will be happy again. I will have a great life with more love and happiness than I ever thought was possible. The best things are on their way to me right this minute.

If you are also finding it difficult to be positive nowadays, feel free to use my sentence, until you find your own.