There is something about letting go and moving on that fascinates me. It's so damn hard. Especially if you are holding on to every bit of memory and treasuring them as the happiest, most loving, most valuable moments of your life. But you know you need to cleanse yourself from them. You know you're cherishing a poison that's making you sad, lonely, weak and desperate. That you're wasting your life away on it. That you need to let it go. It takes a very strong heart to mend itself. It takes a very strong heart to let go of a heart you love. At the end of the day, you are forced to make a choice; you either keep loving him, longing for him, and wishing he would (re)love you, or you tell yourself, "don't worry, even if no one else loves you, i will".  To me, that's the first step to move on.

Unfortunately, I'm not exactly there yet.

If moving on is survival instinct kicking in, mine is kicking in a little too slowly.  I'm walking with baby steps, and I follow a circular path. I guess that's ok. I will do things at my own pace and call it a day. I guess I need to stop being so hard on myself for not moving on as fast as I'd like to. 

It's just so damn hard. Damn! How did we ever get here? Weren't we happy? Was it not real? 

Bad questions. Bad questions. Ok. Breath in. Breath out. Repeat. 

You take care of the bad days, and the good days will take care of themselves.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~ Winston Churchill

In new pastures

I am in a new country now. I am back where I came from two years ago. I've lived here almost all my life. Yet I don't feel like I'm home. Not at all.

Being here feels very surreal. I was walking on the street today and I encountered an old friend from high school. She asked me when I was going back. I am not going back. But I don't like that fact. I'd like to believe that one day I will go back. Or that I will live in both places, somehow. I don't know. All I know is that it really annoys me when people ask me when I'm going back or if I'm back for good. I panic and despair.

I don't like being reminded that I am further away from him and this is permanent.

I used to feel like he was my home. Funnily enough, I still do. Being without him feels very homesick.

We were planning to move here together. It was his idea.

I feel very lonely without him.

I hate that I still love him so much. I must stop that nonsense right this minute!

I find it difficult to be happy. Many wonderful things are happening in my life right now, which must make me extremely happy and grateful under normal conditions, yet I hardly can care about or appreciate any of them like I know I should. I feel very guilty for being this way.

I found a big bump on my pelvis. It came up out of nowhere last Wednesday. It's the size of an egg, it's hard and it's painful. It's getting bigger and harder. It scares me. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow. I hope nothing's wrong. My dad is a doctor; he examined it yesterday, and he said although it's quite big, it doesn't look very harmful. Still, I will have a surgeon examine it tomorrow. I feel very relieved already that I probably don't have a deadly cancer or anything like that, and that is something I am truly grateful for. Nevertheless, I still don't feel happy.

I am going to start moving back to my old house on Tuesday. I need to open all the boxes, unpack, put everything in places, clean the house and make it home again. As daunting as it may be, it is a happy thing to do. I am so lucky to have a place to live. It's beautiful, and it's my own. Once I settle in, I will be able to start my life again. God knows I'm looking forward to it. And a friend is going to help me unpack. It is such a great relief and it will make my moving so much easier and quicker. I feel grateful for all these. But not happy.

My father will help buy me a car. It is a beautiful brand new car, latest model, very safe and cool. Yet I still can only feel grateful, and not happy, and I hate myself for being such a horrible person. I am literally ashamed for my unyielding unhappiness. It's as if I can not be happy with anything anymore. If you had met me earlier, a couple months ago even, you would know that this is not me at all. I used to be so happy people used say I have the biggest, brightest smile they have ever seen. I used to glow with happiness.. and love. There is none of that left in me anymore and I can't seem to get it back. I feel like a ghost. I have no energy left. Nothing really matters anymore. I feel very empty. It feels like there is a gigantic crack inside of me, and no matter how much I try to fill it with happiness and energy and positive things, they pour out faster than I can put them in. I need to mend that crack. I need to stop missing him and feeling so lonely. I need to see and appreciate all the wonderful things and wonderful people in my life and be very happy.

I am reading articles on how to think positive thoughts. How to be happy. They all say that you need to replace the negative thoughts that pop up in your mind with positive ones. Wanting to shift my mind's focus from negative to positive, I tried to write down a few positive thoughts on a piece of paper and keep them at hand, but I couldn't come up with anything that I could find believable. It was a depressing attempt. So I decided to search the internet and find other people's positive thoughts. I will borrow theirs until I can come up with my own again. One that seems to help me most these days is this: Sometimes, we are not meant to understand why something has happened, or know how we will survive it, but just to have faith in ourself and trust life. We must remember that the darkest hour is just before the dawn. I may not know exactly how yet, but I will survive. I will be happy again. I will have a great life with more love and happiness than I ever thought was possible. The best things are on their way to me right this minute.

If you are also finding it difficult to be positive nowadays, feel free to use my sentence, until you find your own.

Today is not a good day. It's difficult to breathe. I think it's the heaviness of tomorrow.
Tomorrow, it will be exactly one month.
It's difficult to breathe.

Today is such a better day, thank God! Only a few tears here and there, but mostly sunny and confident.
Thinking about things that concern only you is a great way of getting over a heartache. Shifting your focus from him to yourself.
Today I  thought about how to put my life back in order. I thought about how to sort out my house situation (I'm moving to another country), how to find a new job there, how to make new friends, and how to get back up on my feet. I came up with a few possible solutions about most of these subjects,  and it made me feel happy. It made me feel that I am re-gaining the control of my life.
I'm reading a book on becoming your own life coach. In each section, there are some questions that you need to answer. This section's questions were things that are guaranteed to make you happy. You are simply asked to find out what it is that makes you happy, and do those things more often. Simple, isn't it? But makes sense.
There is something about thinking about what makes you happy, that immediately empowers you. You feel that you are taking control of your own happiness. And it feels so good.
One of the things that make me happy is my job. Isn't that wonderful? How many people can say that they are doing the job that makes them truly happy? I think this is a great achievement by itself. Just realising that made me feel proud of myself and gave me an instant confidence and positivity.
Also, another thing that makes you feel better and gives you a more positive outlook is gratitude. Focusing on the things you have, rather than the things that you don't have, and being thankful for them makes your worries seem smaller and more bearable.
It's still difficult. But I feel a little stronger.
So I guess this is how life starts to go on.
Moving on. With baby steps and in circular movements. But nevertheless, moving on.

I have been reading self help books and web pages, trying to create a master plan for my glorious come back. I will be strong and grounded and happy and healed from all wounds. I will be able to see through people and I won't be too nice.
One of the greatest things I have learned in my relationship (still having difficulty putting the x factor in front of it) was that we don't know what could happen to us next. I remember thinking if only I knew that he was going to enter my life, I wouldn't be so sad when my previous relationships ended. If only I knew that they had to go so that he could come. So maybe the moral of this story is to trust life.
I read a positive thinking quote today. It said: "Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something greater inside you that is greater than any obstacle."

What helps

So here is a list of what helps.. I'll keep adding to the list on as I go along.
What helps:
* Having friends you genuinely enjoy being with. Try speaking about non-relationship related subjects with them.
* Spending quality time with your pets if you have any.
* Gardening. Even if you have only a small flower pot, it helps.
* Watching the nature.
* Talking with your family members if you have a good relationship with them.
* Focusing on your job. Even if you don't like your job, it gives you something other than your relationship problems to focus on.
* Going out of the house. Doesn't matter where. As long as you don't go to places that remind you of him.
* Dieting. Helps you feel like you have will power. It's also good to lose a few extra pounds that you find difficult to squeeze into your jeans.
* Going to the hairdresser, beauty parlour or a spa, getting a massage, a facial, mani-pedi or a hair blow dry. Be careful about big changes like haircuts or a new hair colour. It might backfire, so think twice.
* Making plans for your future which would make you a more grounded person. The more non-relationship related, the better. Plans for self improvement, like how to be more successful at your job, learning a new hobby, starting the gym. Things that you would do for yourself, not for other people.
* Helping others. It helps you focus on something other than yourself. You forget about your own pain and help ease someone else's.
* Buying something nice for yourself. Be careful not to go over the budget though or you may hate yourself for it afterwards.
* Going to the cinema and seeing a comedy, an animation or an action movie. Don't go to the artsy movies that question the meaning of life or Rom-Coms, though, or you may end up crying buckets of tears. You don't want that. When you choose the movie, go for the ones with the cheesiest names like "Plants vs. Aliens", and avoid the ones described as "touching", "heart-warming", "outstanding", etc. The same rule applies to watching DVDs at home.
* Smoking, drinking and eating a lot. I know it's bad to smoke but it numbs you and when worst comes to worst, you may find it helpful. Try not to get addicted though. In order not to get addicted, I am trying not to smoke every time I want. Be extra careful with this one. Drinking alcohol tends to make me cry, plus it's empty calories, so I would say go easy on the alcohol. Eating a lot is ok if you can control yourself the next few days, but be careful on not gaining weight. Life is difficult enough as it is, so you don't want to gain weight on top of everything else.
* Reading self help books. I find it more helpful to read self help books on re-building your confidence and life coaching, rather than reading self help books on relationships. Relationship books bring me down. I keep blaming myself for all the things I wish I had done differently.
* Going to the gym. I find this very helpful. You feel like you're getting stronger. Your confidence increases. Your body starts getting in better shape. You get rid of your negative energy. Evenings can be tough. When you go to the gym in the evening, you have less time to feel alone and pity yourself at home. Plus you get tired so when you come home at night you have better chance of sleeping.
* Keeping busy. Fill your time up with things so you don't have any time or energy left to think about things you don't want to think about.
* Make a happy song list full of empowering songs and listen to it all the time. The songs should be hopeful, upbeat and positive, not self pitying, angry or romantic.
* Keep a happiness notebook. Write down happy, encouraging and empowering quotations and affirmations, and read it over and over and over and over again. Never leave the house without it.
* Be grateful for all the good things in your life. Count them all one by one and thank for them.
* Watch documentaries. I like watching documentaries on space, animals, nature, art, technology, other cultures... They remind me that there are so many different ways of living and so many different things other than me and my misery.
* Knitting. I find it very therapeutic. Try and see if you like it.
 * Cooking. Again, I think it's very therapeutic. If you end up making something you are proud of, share it with your friends. Great way to feel good and cut down on the calories.
* Controlling the things which you can control; like being organised, being on time, keeping your promises to yourself and to others.
* Writing blogs, hoping you might help others who are going through similar things. x

This is not the happiest time of my life. I don't want to sound as if I'm pitying myself. I'm not. I'm just hurting at the moment and I don't know how to heal myself. I am looking for a way out.
The reason I'm writing how I'm feeling is because in my daily life I'm covering up, trying to hold myself together. I need to let it out somehow. I need to acknowledge my pain. And maybe, if there is someone else feeling as shitty as I am feeling right now, if they read this, they won't feel as lonely as I do at the moment. They will know that it can get very low, and if I can find a way out, than they will see that it can get better for them too. I need to see that. So by writing this blog, if I can find a way out, I may give hope to someone else who needs it.
We all pretend not to hurt. We all pretend to be ok. That makes it very difficult when you're sad, because you feel like you are the only one who is all messed up whereas everyone else seem to be doing so well.
Well, I am not doing well at all. I have hit the bottom so hard that it left a whole on the ground.
So if I can find a way out, you'll know you can too.

How do people get over a breakup? How do they survive? I need to know. I am going mad with pain.
I can't believe that he doesn't want to be with me. That he cannot wait not to be with me. How is that possible? We were lovers, best friends, each other's home. So I felt, and so he said.
I cannot breathe without hurting. I cannot sleep. I am silent. I haven't laughed for real once. I am hiding my pain, distracting myself with other things, friends, new projects, but nothing is working. I know that I am not the first to go through this. I know things will get better. So they say, right? How? When? I can't stand the pain. I can't stand the questions in my head. I can't stand his void.
I hate being a ghost.

Notes from the Midnight

"If you walk only on sunny days, you'll never get there", said someone wise. She must be from London. Not only because it's difficult to find sunny weather here, but because, for some reason, love is so unnecessarily difficult to find as well.

I am walking, believe me I am, but I feel so tired, lost and disenchanted.

I am trying to understand, to find the connections, the clues, the whys and the hows. I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to heal, or at least to accept.  I'm trying to keep calm and carry on. Carry on walking. Distracting, deluding, anaesthetising, and keeping hold of myself with the self-inflicted hope of greener pastures or at least just a change of scenery.

I'm not there yet.

Right now I'm in the midst of a horrible nightmare from which I cannot wake up. There is an agony that does not go away no matter what I do. Right now I feel a deep, vast hole in my my chest and my soul is leaking from its edges. Right now I feel like a ghost.

Sometimes I wonder why I still have this totally naive, misguided faith in love. All evidence shows beyond a doubt that it's fickle, ephemeral, conformist, and certainly does not conquer all. But I never wanted to accept that. I always said "yes but that is not real love". I always believed in love. In happy endings. In possibilities. In finding "the one". In not completing each other (because I believe it is very unlikely to be able to be one with another unless you can be one with yourself first) but complementing, enriching, empowering, elevating each other. I believed "happy love" was possible. I believed, because I saw it, touched it, held it in my arms and kissed it, made love with it, gone through good and bad times with it, dreamt with it, dealt with it, laughed and cried with it, completely trusted it, appreciated and adored it, thanked God for it...

Comforted and rejoiced all bleeding hearts around me with the knowledge that it really existed and that it was just as beautiful and strong and all conquering as they said it was.

I was wrong.

I see now that it is merely an adult version of a constant hide and seek, and comes with a book of rules.

No exceptions.

You have been warned.