What helps

So here is a list of what helps.. I'll keep adding to the list on as I go along.
What helps:
* Having friends you genuinely enjoy being with. Try speaking about non-relationship related subjects with them.
* Spending quality time with your pets if you have any.
* Gardening. Even if you have only a small flower pot, it helps.
* Watching the nature.
* Talking with your family members if you have a good relationship with them.
* Focusing on your job. Even if you don't like your job, it gives you something other than your relationship problems to focus on.
* Going out of the house. Doesn't matter where. As long as you don't go to places that remind you of him.
* Dieting. Helps you feel like you have will power. It's also good to lose a few extra pounds that you find difficult to squeeze into your jeans.
* Going to the hairdresser, beauty parlour or a spa, getting a massage, a facial, mani-pedi or a hair blow dry. Be careful about big changes like haircuts or a new hair colour. It might backfire, so think twice.
* Making plans for your future which would make you a more grounded person. The more non-relationship related, the better. Plans for self improvement, like how to be more successful at your job, learning a new hobby, starting the gym. Things that you would do for yourself, not for other people.
* Helping others. It helps you focus on something other than yourself. You forget about your own pain and help ease someone else's.
* Buying something nice for yourself. Be careful not to go over the budget though or you may hate yourself for it afterwards.
* Going to the cinema and seeing a comedy, an animation or an action movie. Don't go to the artsy movies that question the meaning of life or Rom-Coms, though, or you may end up crying buckets of tears. You don't want that. When you choose the movie, go for the ones with the cheesiest names like "Plants vs. Aliens", and avoid the ones described as "touching", "heart-warming", "outstanding", etc. The same rule applies to watching DVDs at home.
* Smoking, drinking and eating a lot. I know it's bad to smoke but it numbs you and when worst comes to worst, you may find it helpful. Try not to get addicted though. In order not to get addicted, I am trying not to smoke every time I want. Be extra careful with this one. Drinking alcohol tends to make me cry, plus it's empty calories, so I would say go easy on the alcohol. Eating a lot is ok if you can control yourself the next few days, but be careful on not gaining weight. Life is difficult enough as it is, so you don't want to gain weight on top of everything else.
* Reading self help books. I find it more helpful to read self help books on re-building your confidence and life coaching, rather than reading self help books on relationships. Relationship books bring me down. I keep blaming myself for all the things I wish I had done differently.
* Going to the gym. I find this very helpful. You feel like you're getting stronger. Your confidence increases. Your body starts getting in better shape. You get rid of your negative energy. Evenings can be tough. When you go to the gym in the evening, you have less time to feel alone and pity yourself at home. Plus you get tired so when you come home at night you have better chance of sleeping.
* Keeping busy. Fill your time up with things so you don't have any time or energy left to think about things you don't want to think about.
* Make a happy song list full of empowering songs and listen to it all the time. The songs should be hopeful, upbeat and positive, not self pitying, angry or romantic.
* Keep a happiness notebook. Write down happy, encouraging and empowering quotations and affirmations, and read it over and over and over and over again. Never leave the house without it.
* Be grateful for all the good things in your life. Count them all one by one and thank for them.
* Watch documentaries. I like watching documentaries on space, animals, nature, art, technology, other cultures... They remind me that there are so many different ways of living and so many different things other than me and my misery.
* Knitting. I find it very therapeutic. Try and see if you like it.
 * Cooking. Again, I think it's very therapeutic. If you end up making something you are proud of, share it with your friends. Great way to feel good and cut down on the calories.
* Controlling the things which you can control; like being organised, being on time, keeping your promises to yourself and to others.
* Writing blogs, hoping you might help others who are going through similar things. x

This is not the happiest time of my life. I don't want to sound as if I'm pitying myself. I'm not. I'm just hurting at the moment and I don't know how to heal myself. I am looking for a way out.
The reason I'm writing how I'm feeling is because in my daily life I'm covering up, trying to hold myself together. I need to let it out somehow. I need to acknowledge my pain. And maybe, if there is someone else feeling as shitty as I am feeling right now, if they read this, they won't feel as lonely as I do at the moment. They will know that it can get very low, and if I can find a way out, than they will see that it can get better for them too. I need to see that. So by writing this blog, if I can find a way out, I may give hope to someone else who needs it.
We all pretend not to hurt. We all pretend to be ok. That makes it very difficult when you're sad, because you feel like you are the only one who is all messed up whereas everyone else seem to be doing so well.
Well, I am not doing well at all. I have hit the bottom so hard that it left a whole on the ground.
So if I can find a way out, you'll know you can too.

How do people get over a breakup? How do they survive? I need to know. I am going mad with pain.
I can't believe that he doesn't want to be with me. That he cannot wait not to be with me. How is that possible? We were lovers, best friends, each other's home. So I felt, and so he said.
I cannot breathe without hurting. I cannot sleep. I am silent. I haven't laughed for real once. I am hiding my pain, distracting myself with other things, friends, new projects, but nothing is working. I know that I am not the first to go through this. I know things will get better. So they say, right? How? When? I can't stand the pain. I can't stand the questions in my head. I can't stand his void.
I hate being a ghost.

Notes from the Midnight

"If you walk only on sunny days, you'll never get there", said someone wise. She must be from London. Not only because it's difficult to find sunny weather here, but because, for some reason, love is so unnecessarily difficult to find as well.

I am walking, believe me I am, but I feel so tired, lost and disenchanted.

I am trying to understand, to find the connections, the clues, the whys and the hows. I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to heal, or at least to accept.  I'm trying to keep calm and carry on. Carry on walking. Distracting, deluding, anaesthetising, and keeping hold of myself with the self-inflicted hope of greener pastures or at least just a change of scenery.

I'm not there yet.

Right now I'm in the midst of a horrible nightmare from which I cannot wake up. There is an agony that does not go away no matter what I do. Right now I feel a deep, vast hole in my my chest and my soul is leaking from its edges. Right now I feel like a ghost.

Sometimes I wonder why I still have this totally naive, misguided faith in love. All evidence shows beyond a doubt that it's fickle, ephemeral, conformist, and certainly does not conquer all. But I never wanted to accept that. I always said "yes but that is not real love". I always believed in love. In happy endings. In possibilities. In finding "the one". In not completing each other (because I believe it is very unlikely to be able to be one with another unless you can be one with yourself first) but complementing, enriching, empowering, elevating each other. I believed "happy love" was possible. I believed, because I saw it, touched it, held it in my arms and kissed it, made love with it, gone through good and bad times with it, dreamt with it, dealt with it, laughed and cried with it, completely trusted it, appreciated and adored it, thanked God for it...

Comforted and rejoiced all bleeding hearts around me with the knowledge that it really existed and that it was just as beautiful and strong and all conquering as they said it was.

I was wrong.

I see now that it is merely an adult version of a constant hide and seek, and comes with a book of rules.

No exceptions.

You have been warned.