There is something about letting go and moving on that fascinates me. It's so damn hard. Especially if you are holding on to every bit of memory and treasuring them as the happiest, most loving, most valuable moments of your life. But you know you need to cleanse yourself from them. You know you're cherishing a poison that's making you sad, lonely, weak and desperate. That you're wasting your life away on it. That you need to let it go. It takes a very strong heart to mend itself. It takes a very strong heart to let go of a heart you love. At the end of the day, you are forced to make a choice; you either keep loving him, longing for him, and wishing he would (re)love you, or you tell yourself, "don't worry, even if no one else loves you, i will".  To me, that's the first step to move on.

Unfortunately, I'm not exactly there yet.

If moving on is survival instinct kicking in, mine is kicking in a little too slowly.  I'm walking with baby steps, and I follow a circular path. I guess that's ok. I will do things at my own pace and call it a day. I guess I need to stop being so hard on myself for not moving on as fast as I'd like to. 

It's just so damn hard. Damn! How did we ever get here? Weren't we happy? Was it not real? 

Bad questions. Bad questions. Ok. Breath in. Breath out. Repeat. 

You take care of the bad days, and the good days will take care of themselves.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~ Winston Churchill

In new pastures

I am in a new country now. I am back where I came from two years ago. I've lived here almost all my life. Yet I don't feel like I'm home. Not at all.

Being here feels very surreal. I was walking on the street today and I encountered an old friend from high school. She asked me when I was going back. I am not going back. But I don't like that fact. I'd like to believe that one day I will go back. Or that I will live in both places, somehow. I don't know. All I know is that it really annoys me when people ask me when I'm going back or if I'm back for good. I panic and despair.

I don't like being reminded that I am further away from him and this is permanent.

I used to feel like he was my home. Funnily enough, I still do. Being without him feels very homesick.

We were planning to move here together. It was his idea.

I feel very lonely without him.

I hate that I still love him so much. I must stop that nonsense right this minute!

I find it difficult to be happy. Many wonderful things are happening in my life right now, which must make me extremely happy and grateful under normal conditions, yet I hardly can care about or appreciate any of them like I know I should. I feel very guilty for being this way.

I found a big bump on my pelvis. It came up out of nowhere last Wednesday. It's the size of an egg, it's hard and it's painful. It's getting bigger and harder. It scares me. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow. I hope nothing's wrong. My dad is a doctor; he examined it yesterday, and he said although it's quite big, it doesn't look very harmful. Still, I will have a surgeon examine it tomorrow. I feel very relieved already that I probably don't have a deadly cancer or anything like that, and that is something I am truly grateful for. Nevertheless, I still don't feel happy.

I am going to start moving back to my old house on Tuesday. I need to open all the boxes, unpack, put everything in places, clean the house and make it home again. As daunting as it may be, it is a happy thing to do. I am so lucky to have a place to live. It's beautiful, and it's my own. Once I settle in, I will be able to start my life again. God knows I'm looking forward to it. And a friend is going to help me unpack. It is such a great relief and it will make my moving so much easier and quicker. I feel grateful for all these. But not happy.

My father will help buy me a car. It is a beautiful brand new car, latest model, very safe and cool. Yet I still can only feel grateful, and not happy, and I hate myself for being such a horrible person. I am literally ashamed for my unyielding unhappiness. It's as if I can not be happy with anything anymore. If you had met me earlier, a couple months ago even, you would know that this is not me at all. I used to be so happy people used say I have the biggest, brightest smile they have ever seen. I used to glow with happiness.. and love. There is none of that left in me anymore and I can't seem to get it back. I feel like a ghost. I have no energy left. Nothing really matters anymore. I feel very empty. It feels like there is a gigantic crack inside of me, and no matter how much I try to fill it with happiness and energy and positive things, they pour out faster than I can put them in. I need to mend that crack. I need to stop missing him and feeling so lonely. I need to see and appreciate all the wonderful things and wonderful people in my life and be very happy.

I am reading articles on how to think positive thoughts. How to be happy. They all say that you need to replace the negative thoughts that pop up in your mind with positive ones. Wanting to shift my mind's focus from negative to positive, I tried to write down a few positive thoughts on a piece of paper and keep them at hand, but I couldn't come up with anything that I could find believable. It was a depressing attempt. So I decided to search the internet and find other people's positive thoughts. I will borrow theirs until I can come up with my own again. One that seems to help me most these days is this: Sometimes, we are not meant to understand why something has happened, or know how we will survive it, but just to have faith in ourself and trust life. We must remember that the darkest hour is just before the dawn. I may not know exactly how yet, but I will survive. I will be happy again. I will have a great life with more love and happiness than I ever thought was possible. The best things are on their way to me right this minute.

If you are also finding it difficult to be positive nowadays, feel free to use my sentence, until you find your own.

Today is not a good day. It's difficult to breathe. I think it's the heaviness of tomorrow.
Tomorrow, it will be exactly one month.
It's difficult to breathe.

Today is such a better day, thank God! Only a few tears here and there, but mostly sunny and confident.
Thinking about things that concern only you is a great way of getting over a heartache. Shifting your focus from him to yourself.
Today I  thought about how to put my life back in order. I thought about how to sort out my house situation (I'm moving to another country), how to find a new job there, how to make new friends, and how to get back up on my feet. I came up with a few possible solutions about most of these subjects,  and it made me feel happy. It made me feel that I am re-gaining the control of my life.
I'm reading a book on becoming your own life coach. In each section, there are some questions that you need to answer. This section's questions were things that are guaranteed to make you happy. You are simply asked to find out what it is that makes you happy, and do those things more often. Simple, isn't it? But makes sense.
There is something about thinking about what makes you happy, that immediately empowers you. You feel that you are taking control of your own happiness. And it feels so good.
One of the things that make me happy is my job. Isn't that wonderful? How many people can say that they are doing the job that makes them truly happy? I think this is a great achievement by itself. Just realising that made me feel proud of myself and gave me an instant confidence and positivity.
Also, another thing that makes you feel better and gives you a more positive outlook is gratitude. Focusing on the things you have, rather than the things that you don't have, and being thankful for them makes your worries seem smaller and more bearable.
It's still difficult. But I feel a little stronger.
So I guess this is how life starts to go on.
Moving on. With baby steps and in circular movements. But nevertheless, moving on.

I have been reading self help books and web pages, trying to create a master plan for my glorious come back. I will be strong and grounded and happy and healed from all wounds. I will be able to see through people and I won't be too nice.
One of the greatest things I have learned in my relationship (still having difficulty putting the x factor in front of it) was that we don't know what could happen to us next. I remember thinking if only I knew that he was going to enter my life, I wouldn't be so sad when my previous relationships ended. If only I knew that they had to go so that he could come. So maybe the moral of this story is to trust life.
I read a positive thinking quote today. It said: "Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something greater inside you that is greater than any obstacle."